Monday, April 29, 2013
Whoa...
It takes a lot of patience for me not to completely break down right now. Today was so hard for me, each day seems like a new reason for me to give up and I don't even know why. I really need to distance myself from everything right now and focus on me and that's what I plan on doing the next couple of days.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Only worry about things you can control
So a lot has changed when it comes to my way of thinking the past couple of days. I have been thinking about my upcoming move, which is happening in 13 days. In one way I'd rather just get it over with, but in another sense I am glad that I do have a little time to wrap things up here.
To be honest, as excited as I am, it is extremely depressing to me. Ohio is all that I've ever been exposed to and this move is going to really affect me. I know my mind has been really good lately (particularly the past couple of years) and I hope that this change does not make me go back to the depressed state of mind I've experienced before. I know it sounds silly, but I really do think I need to see a shrink or a psychiatrist or whatever you call those people. I think it would really help with my social anxiety, which very few people really understand.
I don't know what the deal is, but the past few days, time has seemed to stay still. I know I will look back at this and realize how fast time is going, but it honestly feels like time is not moving.
I am grateful to have met a gorgeous girl over the past month or so. Her name is Kate and she is also a graduate student here at OSU. I know that it seems ridiculous and I am sure these feelings will fade, just as all my previous encounters with women have, but that girl drives me absolutely insane. I'm sure she doesn't feel the same at this point (and she may never), but that doesn't matter to me. Knowing that I have the opportunity to treat her like a princess makes my mind race. I've always been comfortable with my ability to meet women and more importantly treat women the right way, but there is something about her that I just know is different. I know it will probably come to an end as she will be in Ohio while I'm in Illinois, but I wish it wouldn't in the worst kind of way.
On that same note, one of my best friends and lab mate, Josh has recently informed me at my innate ability (in his mind) to forget women and end with them at the drop of a hat. If he only knew that is one of the things I struggle with the most. I have always been able to quit talking to particular girls quickly and not drag it out, but I credit that to two extreme qualities I have: 1) how quick and precise I am in making decisions and 2) in my mind I always think I deserve something better than what that broad had to offer. What Josh doesn't understand is how much it crushes my world when I have to tell a girl goodbye and how I never want to put myself in that position more than once with a girl.
To be honest, as excited as I am, it is extremely depressing to me. Ohio is all that I've ever been exposed to and this move is going to really affect me. I know my mind has been really good lately (particularly the past couple of years) and I hope that this change does not make me go back to the depressed state of mind I've experienced before. I know it sounds silly, but I really do think I need to see a shrink or a psychiatrist or whatever you call those people. I think it would really help with my social anxiety, which very few people really understand.
I don't know what the deal is, but the past few days, time has seemed to stay still. I know I will look back at this and realize how fast time is going, but it honestly feels like time is not moving.
I am grateful to have met a gorgeous girl over the past month or so. Her name is Kate and she is also a graduate student here at OSU. I know that it seems ridiculous and I am sure these feelings will fade, just as all my previous encounters with women have, but that girl drives me absolutely insane. I'm sure she doesn't feel the same at this point (and she may never), but that doesn't matter to me. Knowing that I have the opportunity to treat her like a princess makes my mind race. I've always been comfortable with my ability to meet women and more importantly treat women the right way, but there is something about her that I just know is different. I know it will probably come to an end as she will be in Ohio while I'm in Illinois, but I wish it wouldn't in the worst kind of way.
On that same note, one of my best friends and lab mate, Josh has recently informed me at my innate ability (in his mind) to forget women and end with them at the drop of a hat. If he only knew that is one of the things I struggle with the most. I have always been able to quit talking to particular girls quickly and not drag it out, but I credit that to two extreme qualities I have: 1) how quick and precise I am in making decisions and 2) in my mind I always think I deserve something better than what that broad had to offer. What Josh doesn't understand is how much it crushes my world when I have to tell a girl goodbye and how I never want to put myself in that position more than once with a girl.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Goodbye Ohio
Well it is coming to the point where my time in Ohio seems limited. It seems crazy that I have been here at tOSU for the good part of six years. I truly cherish my time here and the friendships I have made while being a student here.
I would be lying if I said I was anything but ecstatic about moving to Illinois. It will be the first time in my life I have lived anywhere but Ohio and should really test my faith and independence. I do not think this will be much of a test though, because as it has been pointed out I am a pretty independent person. Anyhow, a different scenery can certainly change people and that will be the big test...to stay true to myself and continue to do things that make me proud to be me.
It will be a great thing for me to move away so I can focus on my work and my goals. To be honest other than my family these are the things I want to be consumed with. I truly believe that I am the kind of person who is so competitive that when I commit myself to something it consumes me. Maybe this is why it is a good thing I don't have a ladyfriend, lol. But anyway I am really anxious to get started at Illinois and have hopes that the experience will be life changing and my next 3-4 years will make me a better person; as well as, a better scientist.
I would be lying if I said I was anything but ecstatic about moving to Illinois. It will be the first time in my life I have lived anywhere but Ohio and should really test my faith and independence. I do not think this will be much of a test though, because as it has been pointed out I am a pretty independent person. Anyhow, a different scenery can certainly change people and that will be the big test...to stay true to myself and continue to do things that make me proud to be me.
It will be a great thing for me to move away so I can focus on my work and my goals. To be honest other than my family these are the things I want to be consumed with. I truly believe that I am the kind of person who is so competitive that when I commit myself to something it consumes me. Maybe this is why it is a good thing I don't have a ladyfriend, lol. But anyway I am really anxious to get started at Illinois and have hopes that the experience will be life changing and my next 3-4 years will make me a better person; as well as, a better scientist.
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